The best and the brightest

Odds are one of the following candidates will be our next President...

Hillary Clinton

A former lawyer, Sen. Clinton is a ruthless, corrupt, crypto-Marxist with no real qualifications. Unattractive, legitimate criticisms of her will be deflected by accusations of sexism. She’s demonstrated she will endure any humiliation in exchange for access to power. Her longest held private sector job was given to her because of who her husband was, and her chief responsibility was to act as a conduit for husband’s influence peddling. The highlight of her government work experience was an unconstitutional attempt to seize control of a large portion of the economy that she knows nothing about. Electing the wife of a former President is something done in second and third-world countries.

Barack Obama

A former lawyer and activist, Sen. Hussein-Obama is a neophyte with no real qualifications or accomplishments. Excessively and morbidly conflicted about his racial background, Obama used ‘affirmative action’ to coast to a position of privilege, but instead of considering himself lucky, he felt compelled to get himself down with the street. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by accusations of racism. Electing a black man head of state is something done in third world countries.

John Edwards

A former trial lawyer (which is even more repulsive than being a former lawyer), Sen. Edwards is overly preoccupied with own hair. He’s such a non-entity John Kerry was comfortable choosing him as Vice President, because John Kerry recognized Edwards could not even outshine someone as pretentiously dull as John Kerry. May have done something in the Senate, but know one knows what is. Edwards is greatly concerned about the poor, but not so concerned that it prevents him from living in an enormous multi-million dollar home.

Mitt Romney

A member of a cult that’s not Scientology whose favorite novel is L. Ron Hubbard’s execrable Battlefield Earth, Gov. Romney enacted socialized medicine at the state level yet claims to be a conservative. He supported homosexualist ‘rights’ at the state level yet claims to be a conservative. In fact only a short time ago Gov. Romney held many liberal positions opposite to the conservative ones he claims he holds now. He has expressed a desire to bomb people. Romney bears an inexplicable and groundless grudge toward France, but at least for now does not want to bomb France.

Fred Thompson

A former lawyer, the cancerous Sen. Thompson’s main qualification is he played small parts in various movies and TV shows. Thompson can’t seem to be bothered to put any effort into his vanity campaign, but if elected, he promises to put some effort into bombing people. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by well practiced cornpone anecdotes.

John McCain

Old, feeble, and cancerous (cancer is to Republican candidates what lawyering is to Democrats) McCain has spent most of his adult life hanging out with creeps (i.e. in the Senate). His infatuation with media approval and his sense of entitlement cause him to frequently take positions popular with the media that offend the ordinary people he needs to vote for him. He’s then surprised when ordinary people don’t vote for him. At the least this habit suggests he’s a terrible strategic thinker. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by invoking his personal patriotism and the horrors he endured while captive of the Vietcong. Is mentally unbalanced from the horrors he endured while captive of the Vietcong. At times he spontaneously breaks into songs about bombing people.

Rudy Guliani

Not bright, Mayor Guliani is a cancerous former lawyer who frequently expresses a desire to bomb people. It’s obvious from his record he’s a liberal who thinks his desire to bomb people makes him a conservative (i.e. he’s a neocon). During his most recent divorce he publicly humiliated his wife and children, demonstrating how he feels completely unconstrained by public opinion, the concerns of family, the doctrines of his church, and common moral decency. No man unconstrained in such a manner is fit or deserving to wield power, let alone vast the vast power of the Presidency. A frequent cross dresser, Guliani seems to enjoy having his crazy wife boss him around. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by invoking the 911 attacks.