Florida Republican Primary EARLY RESULTS

After a disappointing third place showing in Florida, the Rudi Giuliani campaign is effectively over.

“Frankly, I’m stunned,” said Rob ‘Roberta’ Grababus, chairperson of the Flordia chapter of NTFW (Neocon Transvestites for War). “Everyone I know said they were voting for him. I guess America isn’t ready for a giant tax form.”

Fo' tha shorties

Things got heated at the Democratic debate in South Carolina. While Hillary and Obama exchanged attacks, that other guy seized the moment to interject some much needed non-sensical emotive posturing about (of course) the children:

“I also want to know on behalf of voters here in South Carolina, this kind of squabbling, how many children is this going to get health care?” said Edwards. “How many people are going to get an education from this? How many kids are going to be able to go to college because of this?”

Hearing this the audience leapt to its feet and shouted, “Oh, snap!” Then it dragged Edwards from the stage into the men’s room, where he received a well deserved swirly. At least I hope they did.

Your Kung-Fu is no good here

Don’t be fooled by reports Fred Thompson has quit the race, he’s merely converted his ‘sloth strategy’ of doing next to nothing to a ‘praying mantis strategy’ of remaining perfectly still until the last possible moment, then striking. Fred is obviously a student of the Chinese warrior/philosopher Yin Dao, who outlined and developed these tactics in the latter half of the Wang Chung Dyansty.

Pole shifts

Responding to criticism from Craptocracy and others, Mike Huckabee says he no longer wants a nationwide smoking ban. Huckabee has also reversed himself on immigration. The fuzzyfundy who once advocated amnesty for illegal aliens because that’s what Jesus would’ve wanted*, now claims to be an immigration restrictionist.

A Presidential candidate modify his stated aims during a campaign is no surprise. It’s something all politicians must do, in order to get elected. But Huckabee’s veering to such extremes suggests he puts no thought into what he says or what he stands for.

*It's true a lot of guys named Jesus do want amnesty for illegals, but Huckabee wasn't referring to them.

Campaign Roundup

Fred Thompson speaks out on illegal aliens.

Hillary Clinton speaks out on space aliens.

UFO witness Dennis Kucinich excluded from debate.

Crunchycon endorses Fuzzyfundy.

Rudy Giuliani unveils giant tax form.

New Hampshire results

Fuzzyfundy and anti-smoking zealot Mike Huckabee places third.

I was briefly enmeshed in a grander moment

Inflated by his success in the Iowa primary, Barry H. Obama announced to New Hampshire supporters he would not only transform America, but also “transform the world”.* What will he promise in the event he’s actually elected President? A transformation of the entire solar system?

*At time of posting text of these remarks was unavailable online, but I was blessed to hear this great oration on the radio.

New Hampshire Countdown

The motto of New Hampshire is Live Free or Die, but New Hampshire has enacted a smoking ban, so ironic scare quotes should be added so it reads Live "Free" or "Die" and everyone should stop pretending "Granite Staters" are a breed apart.

I have no insights on tomorrow's outcome, but I have coined the term "fuzzyfundy" to describe fuzzyfundy Mike Huckabee.

Obama oratorio

One thing we've learned in the campaign so far is that Obama induces severe cases of jungle fever in homosexualists. First Andy Sullivan, now master prose stylist Ezra Klein, who ejaculated the following after experiencing an Obama “oration”:

I've been blessed to hear many great orations. I was in the audience when Howard Dean gave his famous address challenging the Democratic Party to rediscover courage and return to principle. I have heard Bill Clinton speak of a place called Hope, and listened to John Edwards bravely channel the populism that American politics so often suppresses. Some of those politicians mirrored my beliefs better than Obama does. Some of their speeches were more declarative and immediate in their passion.

But none achieve quite what Obama, at his best, creates.

Obama's finest speeches do not excite. They do not inform. They don't even really inspire. They elevate. They enmesh you in a grander moment, as if history has stopped flowing passively by, and, just for an instant, contracted around you, made you aware of its presence, and your role in it. He is not the Word made flesh, but the triumph of word over flesh, over color, over despair. The other great leaders I've heard guide us towards a better politics, but Obama is, at his best, able to call us back to our highest selves, to the place where America exists as a glittering ideal, and where we, its honored inhabitants, seem capable of achieving it, and thus of sharing in its meaning and transcendence.

In the days to come, just as in the days that have passed, I'll talk much more about Obama's policies...[more]

I'm sure he will.

Joe Biden sex tape

A South Carolina newspaper asks Fred Thompson to drop out the presidential race, yet provides no evidence Thompson hasn't dropped out of the race already.

Meanwhile Dennis Kucinich is being censored by the cryptocracy (not the craptocracy, the cryptocracy) for speaking openly about the UFO menace.

Iowa

What do the Iowa Caucus results mean, for the candidates and for America? Dennis Dale has an insightful analysis.