You don't say

"I'm not particularly interested in running for president." - Fred Thompson, explaining to Iowa supporters why no one has seen him around lately.

Tom Tancredo's exit provokes Milbank

Dana Milbank is a neurotic paranoid. We know this because he wrote a bizarre essay about the genial Tom Tancredo, in which he repeatedly describes the principled and soft-spoken former presidential candidate as “angry”, without providing a single real example of Tancredo's supposed rage.

The neurotic paranoid Dana Milbank does cite Tancredo’s singing the song “Dixie” as evidence of Tancredo’s anger. Which makes absolutely no sense. Lots of people like the song “Dixie”. The Dukes of Hazzard had a car horn that played “Dixie”, and they weren’t angry. They were just good ol’boys, never meanin’ no harm. I happily sang “Dixie” as a kid in school. The lyrics are funny:

Dar's buck-wheat cakes an 'Ingen' batter,
Makes you fat or a little fatter;
Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixie Land.
Den hoe it down an scratch your grabble,
To Dixie land I'm bound to trabble.
Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixie Land

Singing an old song like "Dixie" is only angry in the neurotic, paranoid mind of Dana Milbank.

Milbank obviously believes any opposition to illegal aliens indicates a man is angry. I don’t think Milbank cares about actual illegal aliens, because people in his position never do (if he’s ever had a conversation with one except to complain the bathroom wasn’t cleaned properly I’ll eat a sombrero). No, Milbank’s real concern isn’t illegal aliens at all, it’s preventing Nazi’s from taking little Dana Milbank and putting him in a concentration camp. In the diseased mind of Dana Milbank the only way to prevent a Fourth Reich from erupting on American soil is to flood the United States with non-whites. Because Milbank is gripped by this strange fantasy it causes him to lash out at a gentleman like Tom Tancredo. I hope the mentally unbalanced Milbank gets help. Until he does the Washington Post should refrain from publishing his ravings.

John Edwards gets it done

Apologies for the lack of recent posts, but these candidates are such boring non-entities there hasn’t been anything new to say about them.

UPDATE: In a bold attempt to be less boring and appeal to single mothers of bastard children (a key Democratic constituency), John Edwards has intentionally impregnated a campaign aide. I predict this brilliant move will revitalize the stalled Edwards' campaign and lead to a strong finish for him in Iowa - if not an upset victory.

Huckamania

I’ve avoided commenting on the appalling Huckabee “surge” because Huckabee is no laughing matter (I initially underestimated the menace he posed), he’s a dangerous lunatic advocating a federal ban on smoking. He must be stopped at all costs.

Though Huckabee seeks greater persecution of smokers (as if smokers weren’t already persecuted enough), he condones dog torturers, at least when the torturer is his obese son. I can easily name plenty of good people that enjoy smoking, I can’t name a single decent person that enjoys torturing dogs. Governor Huckabee should look at the beam in his own eye, and not the cigarette in my mouth. As someone named God (remember Him, Governor?) once said:

“Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth...” - Genesis 1:29

Tobacco is, of course, an herb, and therefore a gift from God to all mankind, thus tobacco bans are the work of Satan. You think Huckabee as an ordained minister would know this, but then the Bible also says gluttony is a sin, and that never stopped the Huckabee family from stuffing their fat faces.

Where’s Rudy?

Rudy Giuliani’s been in the hospital with what his spokesman claimed was “the flu”, but sources in the ER are saying the real reason is severe cramps brought on by an overly constrictive girdle.

Leftovers

From the Campaign Trail

While we were busy eating turkey with all the fixings Fred Thompson came out on his porch in a bathrobe and encouraged his dwindling supporters to set up a “do it yourself phone bank” for him. Then he announced the USA Network was showing Aces: Iron Eagle III and went back inside.

As for the other candidates, in the spirit of Freddie's unapologetic laziness I can't be bothered to comment on them at this time.

He didn't give up. He got down

With a Clinton agent “spreading the word that the Clinton campaign had scandalous information about Obama” everyone's wondering what this scandalous information might possibly be. According to my trusted sources, it’s not a sex or drug scandal. The shocking truth is that Barack Obama is really a white man named Barry O’Bannon.

On a fateful afternoon in 1986, O’Bannon caught an afternoon matinee of the movie Soul Man, a classic film about a white man (played by the underated C. Thomas Howell) who pretends to be black to qualify for an affirmative action admittance to Harvard Law School. In a case of life imitating art, O’Bannon, then a struggling undergraduate, decided to perpetrate the same scam.

And it worked – all to well. O’Bannon/Obama was accepted, but as time wore on found himself trapped in the role. Now he's at the mercy of Clintonian blackmailers. Look for him to find some excuse to drop out of the race by the end of the year, perhaps by claiming he’s contracted vitiligo.

Who even knew he was running? Part III

Republican Mike Huckabee believes God wants us to fight global warming. If God really wanted us to fight global warming why would he tell me to set fire to all those tires? Though the Huckabee camp refuses to comment, saying it’s “too early”, my sources assure me if nominated the former fatty will select Jared Fogle as his running mate.

The activities of the rest of the candidates have been overshadowed by the fallout that erupted like a rising meteor after John McCain threatened to bitch-slap Hillary Clinton. Some are calling for McCain to apologize, but veteran political columnist and Washington insider Ani Arakelian is having none of it:

“Hillary wants to pay tag with the boys, but when they pick on her, she comes crying to us complaining that they picked on her because she is a girl. If Senator Clinton is going to be playing in the game of politics, she is going to have to learn how to defend herself. She is not going to stand a chance if she keeps making excuses.”

Well said.

Who even knew he was running? Part II

Senator Christopher Dodd is in Iowa. Reports Doddomania has broken out all over the greater Cedar Rapids area remain unconfirmed.

Who even knew he was running?

“The American people don't give a damn about any of this stuff that's going on up here,” - Presidential candidate Joseph Biden stuns the audience at the Las Vegas Democratic debate by saying something true.

Electioneering News Update

Amusingly named journalist Foon Rhee reports Mitt Romney received the endorsement of fellow cultists The Osmond family. What took them so long?

At a campaign stop at Google headquarters in Silicon Valley, Sen. Barack Hussien Obama compared his “metoric rise” to that of Google’s. What could Barry possibly mean by that? Does he really think Google got to where it is today by being black? Maybe he does.

John McCain’s mental decline was evident at a campaign event in South Carolina when an American patriot asked the Senator “How do we beat the bitch?" Instead of correctly answering 'with a stick,' the doddering Senator incoherently replied:

"That's an excellent question," he added. "I respect Senator Clinton. I respect anyone who gets the nomination of the Democratic Party."

Later, McCain further reminded voters he’s a tired old man by recycling a tired old joke from the 1990’s about CNN standing for the “Clinton news network”.

In Charleston, South Carolina Fred Thompson awoke from a nap mumbling something about wanting “a "million-member" ground force that includes 775,000 in the Army and 225,000 Marines,” but fell back asleep before explaining why. In unrelated news, Canada's oil reserves are now second only to Saudi Arabia.

Hillary Clinton arrived in Las Vegas for a Democratic debate. Despite the proximity of the Vegas Strip, the boring former first lady said she was too busy to do any gambling, drinking, or dancing, and would instead spend most of her time in her hotel room prepping for the debate and having lesbian sex.

Rudi Guliani is also in Las Vegas. At a brief appearance he criticized the Democratic candidates for having “impractical ideas”, then headed out for dinner with some friends.

Campaign News Roundup

The Democrats

Exactly as experts warned, Senator Hillary Clinton is using her outward resemblance to a woman to deflect legitmate criticism (or "playing the gender card", as all the original thinkers in the mainstream media describe it).

DC is buzzing like a great big buzzy bee hive with a high murder rate and a Washington monument about a major sex-scandal involving one of the Presidential candidates. There is some speculation the scandal involves a lesbian affair between Hillary Clinton and her aide, the suspected Saudi Arabian intelligence asset Huma Abedin. Some theories are even stranger.

People love little Denny Kucinich and his wife, at least until they find out he's running for president.

Off the record, experts on how race is lived in America speculate Barry H. Obama's racial angst may derive in part from his embarassment over looking black but dancing like an uptight white man.

John O'Sullivan, one of our finest political commentators, has noticed "What a creep John Edwards is," though O'Sullivan concedes it is "very entertaining to watch a snake-oil salesman in full snake mode." O'Sullivan adds: "Nothing will persuade me to abandon democracy, but Edwards comes closer than anything else to doing so." Which is a shame. I abandoned democracy and don't regret it at all.

The Republicans

Recently none of the leading Republican candidates have done anything newsworthy, but it's not unreasonable to assume that in the last week Guliani dressed like a woman, Fred Thompson took a nap because he's lazy, McCain took a nap because he's old, and Romney wore strange underwear because he belongs to a cult.

Less than zero would be more accurate

"The Public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble." - Thomas Carlyle

"Democracy is, by the nature of it, a self-canceling business; and it gives in the long run a net result of zero." - Thomas Carlyle

Appoint don't elect

In the Sunday Seattle Times a fascinating editorial from former school board president Donald P. Neilson. Neilson, surely a liberal, concedes school boards should be appointed, not elected:

Moreover, the people who choose to run for office in our cities, particularly for school board, are often unqualified for the position. Running for public office has become so unattractive that qualified people tend not to run. This is particularly true of school boards where there is little or no status, no compensation and where board members are regularly assailed by irate citizens.

Neilson explains:

Today, there is hardly a single urban system, with an elected school board, that has put together a sustained, multiyear program of improvement in its schools. Going to an appointed school board — with prominent civic leaders providing competence and stability — gives us some chance that we can change that statistic.

Of course the same voters who can’t pick a school board are not only allowed, but encouraged to vote in Congressional and Presidential elections, and even though the democratic process fails at selecting the right people for something as mundane as a school board, it’s somehow beyond the pale to suggest the democratic process fails at selecting the right people for more important and more complex positions. And to think there those that still complain voter turnout is too low.

Needs a new name

Looking for a new name for Political Sketchbook, leave suggestions in comments. If your name wins, I will link to your blog, or write a hateful attack on the public figure of your choosing, or maybe both.

The best and the brightest

Odds are one of the following candidates will be our next President...

Hillary Clinton

A former lawyer, Sen. Clinton is a ruthless, corrupt, crypto-Marxist with no real qualifications. Unattractive, legitimate criticisms of her will be deflected by accusations of sexism. She’s demonstrated she will endure any humiliation in exchange for access to power. Her longest held private sector job was given to her because of who her husband was, and her chief responsibility was to act as a conduit for husband’s influence peddling. The highlight of her government work experience was an unconstitutional attempt to seize control of a large portion of the economy that she knows nothing about. Electing the wife of a former President is something done in second and third-world countries.

Barack Obama

A former lawyer and activist, Sen. Hussein-Obama is a neophyte with no real qualifications or accomplishments. Excessively and morbidly conflicted about his racial background, Obama used ‘affirmative action’ to coast to a position of privilege, but instead of considering himself lucky, he felt compelled to get himself down with the street. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by accusations of racism. Electing a black man head of state is something done in third world countries.

John Edwards

A former trial lawyer (which is even more repulsive than being a former lawyer), Sen. Edwards is overly preoccupied with own hair. He’s such a non-entity John Kerry was comfortable choosing him as Vice President, because John Kerry recognized Edwards could not even outshine someone as pretentiously dull as John Kerry. May have done something in the Senate, but know one knows what is. Edwards is greatly concerned about the poor, but not so concerned that it prevents him from living in an enormous multi-million dollar home.

Mitt Romney

A member of a cult that’s not Scientology whose favorite novel is L. Ron Hubbard’s execrable Battlefield Earth, Gov. Romney enacted socialized medicine at the state level yet claims to be a conservative. He supported homosexualist ‘rights’ at the state level yet claims to be a conservative. In fact only a short time ago Gov. Romney held many liberal positions opposite to the conservative ones he claims he holds now. He has expressed a desire to bomb people. Romney bears an inexplicable and groundless grudge toward France, but at least for now does not want to bomb France.

Fred Thompson

A former lawyer, the cancerous Sen. Thompson’s main qualification is he played small parts in various movies and TV shows. Thompson can’t seem to be bothered to put any effort into his vanity campaign, but if elected, he promises to put some effort into bombing people. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by well practiced cornpone anecdotes.

John McCain

Old, feeble, and cancerous (cancer is to Republican candidates what lawyering is to Democrats) McCain has spent most of his adult life hanging out with creeps (i.e. in the Senate). His infatuation with media approval and his sense of entitlement cause him to frequently take positions popular with the media that offend the ordinary people he needs to vote for him. He’s then surprised when ordinary people don’t vote for him. At the least this habit suggests he’s a terrible strategic thinker. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by invoking his personal patriotism and the horrors he endured while captive of the Vietcong. Is mentally unbalanced from the horrors he endured while captive of the Vietcong. At times he spontaneously breaks into songs about bombing people.

Rudy Guliani

Not bright, Mayor Guliani is a cancerous former lawyer who frequently expresses a desire to bomb people. It’s obvious from his record he’s a liberal who thinks his desire to bomb people makes him a conservative (i.e. he’s a neocon). During his most recent divorce he publicly humiliated his wife and children, demonstrating how he feels completely unconstrained by public opinion, the concerns of family, the doctrines of his church, and common moral decency. No man unconstrained in such a manner is fit or deserving to wield power, let alone vast the vast power of the Presidency. A frequent cross dresser, Guliani seems to enjoy having his crazy wife boss him around. Legitimate criticisms of him will be deflected by invoking the 911 attacks.

Political science

Democracy: rule by incompetents chosen by imbeciles.

Wisdom of crowds

Excting new research on how the average citizen decides whom to vote for:

Princeton psychologist Alexander Todorov has demonstrated that quick facial judgments can accurately predict real-world election returns. Todorov has taken some of his previous research that showed that people unconsciously judge the competence of an unfamiliar face within a tenth of a second, and he has moved it to the political arena. His lab tests show that a rapid appraisal of the relative competence of two candidates' faces was sufficient to predict the winner in about 70 percent of the races for U.S. senator and state governor in the 2006 elections.

"Political scientists have spent 50 years documenting only modest effects of the media on voting behavior, but Todorov's research suggests we may have been looking in the wrong place," said Chappell Lawson, an associate professor of political science at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "Most of these previous studies have relied on transcripts or printed records of what the media say, with much less attention to visual images."

This means Hillary Clinton is vulnerable not because she’s a corrupt, crypto-Marxist shrew, but because she’s dumpy looking. And while a few people will vote against Mitt Romney because he’s a Mormon, far more will vote for him because he looks a little bit like a cross between Bruce Wayne and Ward Cleaver. Interestingly:

Lawson, who called Todorov's work "pioneering," added that some of his own work corroborates the new findings, indicating that competence appears to be a universal quality, recognizable across cultures. His research shows that American observers could predict the outcome of elections in Mexico based on the same gut reactions.

"Both of these papers speak to the seminal quality of appearance in candidate success," Lawson said. "Our findings surprised us, because Mexican politicians often emphasize very different aspects of their appearance, such as facial hair, which American political figures avoid. But Americans could still pick out the Mexican winners. Our data show effects at least as strong as those Todorov found."

Democratic sentiments

Compressing the idea into one syllable, Hamilton at a New York dinner replied to some democratic sentiment by striking his hand sharply on the table and saying: “Your people, sir—your people is a great beast.”

– Henry Adams, History of the United States of America During the First Administration of Thomas Jefferson.