Sunday, November 25, 2007

Leftovers

From the Campaign Trail

While we were busy eating turkey with all the fixings Fred Thompson came out on his porch in a bathrobe and encouraged his dwindling supporters to set up a “do it yourself phone bank” for him. Then he announced the USA Network was showing Aces: Iron Eagle III and went back inside.

As for the other candidates, in the spirit of Freddie's unapologetic laziness I can't be bothered to comment on them at this time.

He didn't give up. He got down

With a Clinton agent “spreading the word that the Clinton campaign had scandalous information about Obama” everyone's wondering what this scandalous information might possibly be. According to my trusted sources, it’s not a sex or drug scandal. The shocking truth is that Barack Obama is really a white man named Barry O’Bannon.

On a fateful afternoon in 1986, O’Bannon caught an afternoon matinee of the movie Soul Man, a classic film about a white man (played by the underated C. Thomas Howell) who pretends to be black to qualify for an affirmative action admittance to Harvard Law School. In a case of life imitating art, O’Bannon, then a struggling undergraduate, decided to perpetrate the same scam.

And it worked – all to well. O’Bannon/Obama was accepted, but as time wore on found himself trapped in the role. Now he's at the mercy of Clintonian blackmailers. Look for him to find some excuse to drop out of the race by the end of the year, perhaps by claiming he’s contracted vitiligo.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Who even knew he was running? Part III

Republican Mike Huckabee believes God wants us to fight global warming. If God really wanted us to fight global warming why would he tell me to set fire to all those tires? Though the Huckabee camp refuses to comment, saying it’s “too early”, my sources assure me if nominated the former fatty will select Jared Fogle as his running mate.

The activities of the rest of the candidates have been overshadowed by the fallout that erupted like a rising meteor after John McCain threatened to bitch-slap Hillary Clinton. Some are calling for McCain to apologize, but veteran political columnist and Washington insider Ani Arakelian is having none of it:
“Hillary wants to pay tag with the boys, but when they pick on her, she comes crying to us complaining that they picked on her because she is a girl. If Senator Clinton is going to be playing in the game of politics, she is going to have to learn how to defend herself. She is not going to stand a chance if she keeps making excuses.”
Well said.

Who even knew he was running? Part II

Senator Christopher Dodd is in Iowa. Reports Doddomania has broken out all over the greater Cedar Rapids area remain unconfirmed.

Who even knew he was running?

“The American people don't give a damn about any of this stuff that's going on up here,” - Presidential candidate Joseph Biden stuns the audience at the Las Vegas Democratic debate by saying something true.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Electioneering News Update

Amusingly named journalist Foon Rhee reports Mitt Romney has received the endorsement of fellow cultists The Osmond family. What took them so long?

At a campaign stop at Google headquarters in Silicon Valley Sen. Barack Hussien Obama compared his “metoric rise” to that of Google’s. What could Barry possibly mean by that? Does he really think Google got to where it is today by being black? Maybe he does.

Signs of John McCain’s mental decline were evident at a campaign event in South Carolina after an American patriot asked John McCain “How do we beat the bitch?". Instead of correctly answering 'with a stick,' the doddering Senator incoherently replied:
"That's an excellent question," he added. "I respect Senator Clinton. I respect anyone who gets the nomination of the Democratic Party."
Later McCain further reminded voters he’s a tired old man by recycling a tired old joke from the 1990’s about CNN standing for the “Clinton news network”.

In Charleston, South Carolina Fred Thompson awoke from a nap mumbling something about wanting “a "million-member" ground force that includes 775,000 in the Army and 225,000 Marines,” but fell back asleep before explaining why. In unrelated news, Canada's oil reserves are now second only to Saudi Arabia.

Hillary Clinton arrived in Las Vegas for a Democratic debate. Despite the proximity of the Vegas Strip, the boring former first lady said she was too busy to do any gambling, drinking, or dancing, and would instead spend most of her time in her hotel room prepping for the debate and having lesbian sex.

Rudi Guliani is also in Las Vegas. At a brief appearance he criticized the Democratic candidates for having “impractical ideas” then headed out for dinner with some friends.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Campaign News Roundup

The Democrats

Exactly as experts warned, Senator Hillary Clinton is using her outward resemblance to a woman to deflect legitmate criticism (or "playing the gender card", as all the original thinkers in the mainstream media describe it).

DC is buzzing like a great big buzzy bee hive with a high murder rate and a Washington monument about a major sex-scandal involving one of the Presidential candidates. There is some speculation the scandal involves a lesbian affair between Hillary Clinton and her aide, the suspected Saudi Arabian intelligence asset Huma Abedin. Some theories are even stranger.

People love little Denny Kucinich and his wife, at least until they find out he's running for president.

Off the record, experts on how race is lived in America speculate Barry H. Obama's racial angst may derive in part from his embarassment over looking black but dancing like an uptight white man.

John O'Sullivan, one of our finest political commentators, has noticed "What a creep John Edwards is," though O'Sullivan concedes it is "very entertaining to watch a snake-oil salesman in full snake mode." O'Sullivan adds: "Nothing will persuade me to abandon democracy, but Edwards comes closer than anything else to doing so." Which is a shame. I abandoned democracy and don't regret it at all.

The Republicans

Recently none of the leading Republican candidates have done anything newsworthy, but it's not unreasonable to assume that in the last week Guliani dressed like a woman, Fred Thompson took a nap because he's lazy, McCain took a nap because he's old, and Romney wore strange underwear because he belongs to a cult.