Sunday, August 17, 2008

Dear Saddleback Forum

On Saturday McCain and Hussein Obama appeared at Saddleback Creek, an evangelical humongochurch, for questioning by the church’s pastor Rick Warren. Alas, neither boring candidate turned the tables and asked the corpulent preacherman when gluttony stopped being a sin, but there were a few interesting moments.

Asked about Supreme Court Justices, Obama Barry Soetero said he “Would not have appointed Clarence Thomas because Thomas wasn't ready at the time.” Amazingly, the audience didn’t burst into laughter.

The candidates were asked to name the “three wisest people they would consult as president”. McCain named General David Petraeus, architect of  'The Surge' in Iraq; CEO of eBay Meg Whitman, architect of the swap meet on your Aunt Gladys’s computer; and Rep. John Lewis, black liberal Democrat and Obama supporter. Amazingly, the audience didn’t burst into laughter.

Obama said the three people he would consult were his grandmamma, though it wasn’t clear if meant the American one he threw under the bus for being ‘racist’ or the Kenyan one who still works in the fields at age 86 while The Obama flies around in a jet; his wife, a resentful affirmative action queen; and Sam Nunn and Dick Lugar, who Obama seems to believe are only one person – and he may be right.

If I were President my three “wisepersons” would be:

Goodspaceguy Nelson. Current gubernatorial candidate and visionary who wants to build orbital space colonies around the Earth, Moon, and eventually Mars.

The Fenzghang Thing. It gets the nod over the Ghanaian Abomination because of the economic and geostrategic importance of China.

Magic 8-Ball. Q. Will the next president be, if not a success, or at least minimally competent, perhaps something slightly less bad than an absolute disaster? A. Outlook not so good.


  1. Just to be rid of that hideous little oinker, I would gladly make Porkchop sandwiches out of that Fenzghang Thing, and invite Obama over to my house to help eat them (black folks like Pork Chop Sandwiches...see, I'm multiculturally literate).

  2. It ain't just black folk that like them sammiches.

    If you would behave in such a cruel manner to F. Thing, I hate to think of what you would do to Goodspaceguy Nelson.

  3. I would propose that the next time some clueless President talks of sending a man to Mars, we launch him into space with Goodspaceguy Nelson tethered to him.

    But as far as Rick Warren (founder of the Purpose Driven Church movement..the purpose being to better separate suckers from their money, no doubt) is concerned, doesn't he bear a disturbing likeness to the comic book dealer on The Simpsons?. You would think after all the embarassing televangelist sex farces, from Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert to Rev. Ted Haggard, they would figure out by now that its best for an aspiring telefundy superstar not to look creepy.

  4. He does bear that likeness, though I don't see why it's disturbing.

    "from Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert to Rev. Ted Haggard, they would figure out by now that its best for an aspiring telefundy superstar not to look creepy."

    If they didn't look creepy they would have gone into show business.

  5. Regarding Rick Warren - this is his normal attire when conducting services ( ). Yet I noticed that he wore a suit for this "debate".

    You have to wonder about a "pastor's" priorities when he shows greater respect for Kang and Kodos, I mean McCain and Obama, than he does for Our Lord.